Weekend madness.

I've been really depressed recently.
Dying to get a break from teaching but I can't!
My students' exams are around the corner and they're not as prepared as I expected.
Why is life soooo stressful?!!

Sorry friends if I've been turning down your requests to hang out.
I feel really bad, promise I'll make up for the time lost right after the mid year exams in May!

Just see how I spend my weekends.
I start teaching at 9 in the morning in the east till 2 and rush to the west to continue fighting the battle till 7 in the evening.
It's torturous.
Saturdays USED to be my favourite day of the week.
Ever since taking in at least twice the number of students this year, my saturdays turn into a full working day. Arrgghh.


Then I like Sundays.
Sunday is the ONLY day of the week where I can spend the whole day with the equally tired boyfriend.
We will attend church and have lunch with our church friends and go shopping or sit at a cafe and chat non stop about how our week has been.
And guess what?

It's now destroyed by additional classes for students for their upcoming exams!
I've never been more depressed.

Sorry for the rant. I really need an outlet to release those pent up emotions!

I see people my age wasting their time partying and getting drunk.
I see people my age hanging around jobless so that their parents can support them.

I am left feeling bitter.
I wish I can buy some time from them.
I've so many dreams I want to fulfil, yet little time to even start working on them.
Do pray for me, for the strength to carry on, for the zeal to succeed in what I set my eyes on.
Thanks for dropping by such a moody post.

Sorry God

Today, God's words speak to me more than any other day.
Just want to share this quote here.
I lost my cool earlier in the day with a student and became really impatient with him.
That's when God was not on my mind and in me.
Then I read the daily bible verse sent to my email and saw this:

All of you, clothe yourselves with humility
toward one another,
because, "God opposes the proud but gives grace
to the humble.

1 Peter 5:5

My heart is pierced with tremendous grief.
This is the best I can describe how I felt at that time.
I felt really guilty, not merely towards the boy but towards God.
He must be infuriated with me now, for being too proud to think that's the best way to treat the poor boy.

For we are all equal before his eyes, I need to seek his forgiveness.

When frustration sets in...

I'm constantly being reminded of how people value worldliness. This is a money-minded world consisting of people who are more concerned about material well-being over emotional well-being or health and relationships. This is what my pastor termed as worldliness. The world we're living together is so consumed with getting the most luxurious house (never mind it being next to noisy shopping malls strewned with a sea of people and honking cars as long as it is located in Orchard Road), the fastest car (never mind that you can't speed above 90km/h in Singapore and you get stopped by at least 3 traffic lights ahead of you as long as it shouts branded!), and the latest gadget (never mind that the next big thing say iphone 3rd generation is coming to town the next day and the price of yours will drop by more than half its value).

This is worldliness. Because we live in a world full of temptations, we want to live up to it. Because the devils hype up these temptations, we want to live the life the world deems as COOL and desirable. Because we want to be seen as the 'in' crowd, we allow ourselves to be dictated by the devils and their temptations.

Someone important in my life has always been trying to convince me that I should get a rich husband or at least boyfriend so that I can lead a comfortable life. That someone has an argument with me this morning over my job.

Being a tutor has no prospects. Your income isn't fixed and your students will leave you sooner or later. You should get a 9 to 5 job so that you can get promoted and get bonuses. This is not a real job. You've no CPF contribution and you're gonna die without any retirement funds. You've no right to comment on my gambling habits because you didn't lend me money to clear my debts!

I retaliate by yelling back at her. For that, I'm sorry. No one deserves to be yelled at. Then again, no job in the world should be insulted. I feel that I've the most wonderful job and I'm so angry that I yelled because the job that I love is insulted, and so am I. I'm not tutoring because I can't find a job and therefore I'm doing it temporarily. I'm not tutoring because that's the only thing I can do. I'm in this because I've a passion for it. I've no CPF contribution but you know what? I'd rather save up the 20% I get every month to set up my own educational center so that I can do research and help more kids. I've no rich boyfriend but you know what? I'm happy taking the train and bus or cabs with a boyfriend whom I can connect to rather than put up with some snobbish rich boy who will probably underestimate everything I do and slap my dignity (if there's any left) with his parents' money. I've no intention of ever trading this job for a 9 to 5 office job where I've to put up with nasty bosses and be on my toes with hypocritical co-workers. No job security? Well, I can work for the company for decades and still get retrenched one fine day when the economy crashes. I've my dream and goals to work towards and I guess it's something to be thankful for. It's never about working for money and power. It's about doing something meaningful to help others and yourself. It's about making a difference, big or small. I'm extremely delighted when my students improve their grades or when they thank me for teaching them something after lessons. I'm really grateful when my sweet students give me little gifts of love on Teachers' Day or on my birthday. I'm really pleased when they look forward to each lesson with so much energy, knowing that my efforts in preparing for lessons is worthwhile and that we're going to have a good time. These are the perks that no other job can offer. So to the important someone out there, I'm really frustrated that you can't see through this world the way I see it. When I see everything through Christ, everything becomes clearer and I've never felt safer than before. How can I ever convey God's message to you that we should never be after this worldliness? It's Devil in disguise and we're at constant battle with it. Everything looks so rosy in a facade. All these things will pass but not God's words. One can never serve two masters (God and money) and I'll pray for you to come to God's side soon.

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” Matthew 19:23-24

Goodbye Angie & Justin!

I've been feeling really sad for the past week. I know I shouldn't be because it's good news that both my friends are leaving for further studies, dreams worthy of pursuit. I just can't help feeling sad that I'll not be able to see them for years! But really, I wish them all the best and I pray for God to watch over them in both their studies and safety. I did an album for Angie, with the help of Lucky(Izzy loves being called that!) and this is what we came up with! She is going to study fashion design, that lucky girl! So, the G45 fashionista collection is apt for the album! I know we look crazy here. We're just a little tipsy in my defence! The blank spaces are for everyone to fill up their love for Angie! Our gang at the send-off! I'll miss this girl sooo much!! Come back soon at least for the mahjong sessions k! LOL Details: And not forgetting this layout for Justin who is going to do his Phd in Theoretical physics at Harvard. Gosh, this is a mouthful but Justin is really really amazing. Amazingly humble for his background. He was with A-star, had such good grades that Harvard accepted his entry and yet managed to stay rooted and never once flaunt what he's good at. This is the power of Christ in him and in us. I'll keep praying for him for his biggest worry is not knowing if what he is doing is pleasing to God. I'm really in awe of the things that come out of his mouth albeit the one or two conversations we had in church. My 2nd time in the airport this week Something funny came out of this though. The send-off was unsuccessful! Really funny, I'm gonna do a layout on it soon! We met Justin when he was checking in his baggage and luckily we took some time to take some shots together before he went for dinner with his parents. We went too even though we had only half an hour before departure. Happily, we settled at Popeye's and had really good chicken and potato mash and we missed the departure! According to his parents, Justin was frantically searching for us while calling Teck Tee (I must identify the guilty one in blue). Teck Tee was too busy chewing his chicken I guess and by the time we caught him, he was already at the customs. The tin of biscuits I bought for him and this layout were wasted because I didn't have the chance to pass them to him! Sigh, it's a funnily heartbreaking story. The saving grace at the end of the day happened when Justin managed to call us before the plane took off and made us LESS guilty about missing his departure. LOL I'll end this long post with this pouty picture of me and Yappy! Talking about pouts, I just finished a layout relating to it! Will be back real soon to blog about it!! :) Cheers and be blessed!

This scary man

I did this wedding album cover some time ago for someone whom I thought was a friend. I have to rant here because I need to get it off my chest. This person who almost ruined the first half of my life came to me and asked me to forgive him as he is also saved by Jesus. I did and the next moment, he came knocking on my door in the middle of the night even after I firmly said NO to going out for supper with him. He told me he wanted to do business with me but seriously, why will you wanna discuss about business at 3am on a cold freezing night? I was naive enough to take on the assignment given by him out of goodwill to help him with his new venture. Only charging him the material fees of the layout, I had a hard time meeting him up for the album that I've to alter. After I've altered it, I realised I ran out of the MM swirl wedding paper to do the backing of the album so I told him that I had to delay passing the album to him. He started to rant about how unprofessional I was and I was like, Fine, you can have the incomplete album first while I source for the paper. I painstakingly went to all the scrapstores I can find in Singapore to get the paper but to no avail. So I told him I'm going to order it from Two peas from US and the shipping will take about a fortnight. I paid quite a sum for shipping but all I cared about was to get the job done. Little did I know, the integrity of being a responsible scrapper was ill-deservingly slapped with the rude events that followed. I called him the moment I received the parcel and immediately arranged for a date to meet. It was fixed on the next day and he pulled out a few hours before the set time. Then we arranged for a time the next day but I overslept. It was not my intention but I was way too tired after working on rushing out a newsletter for my tuition kids. I apologized profusely and asked to meet again. For the next few meetings that were supposed to take place, he stood me up with excuses such as his gf was driving his car so he couldn't get out without a car; he had an appointment with other people and etc etc.. I had enough! Before I get really impulsive, it being my very nature since young, I consulted my bf and close friends about what to do with him. They advised me not to work with him anymore but I insisted on one last chance. I sent him this message: Hey, if you are not able to meet me again tomorrow, I will not complete the work for you so it's fine if you do not pay me. Was I rude?!! Not at all, according to my survey of more than 10 people. Well you can tell me if I am rude here. By my standards, I deemed it right to send a pre-requisite so that I will not be taken for granted. This was what he replied: Please improve on your working attitude. I'm your client, not your worker. If you want to be rude, I can always look for someone else to do the job for me. I was raged! For giving him one more chance so that he can break my heart. For hoping that he will one day stop hurting me. For wanting to patch up with him as one of the greatest commandments by God is to love your enemies. For letting my closed ones down as they've warned me countless times never to go near such a dangerous person. For knowing that there's a deep hole right in front of me and still putting my foot in it, thinking that it will miraculously seal up on its own. Seriously, can someone pour me with freezing cold water so that I can wake up and stop this dream of being purely friends with this man who has hurt me so much? Flashbacks of the scary things he has done in the past came back to haunt me. I remember him sitting real close to me in lectures during my jc days to 'test' if my then-bf will be jealous. I remember him waiting outside my class during recess to talk to me about being truthful to my then-bf about all the 'shameful' things I've done in my sec sch life. I remember him being angry when I didn't want to be his gf when he broke up with a gf of 3 years over me. The gf hates me btw. I remember him calling my then-bf to say all the nastiest things about me to him and asking him to break up with me. I remember being so frightened of him that I trembled each time he called or messaged me. Why didn't I remember all these scary things when I told him I've forgiven him? I'm sure I have mistaken God's will. I should forgive him but I should never have allowed him to come close to me. Not even a text message away. Not even an email away. Not even a call away. I've lost the guts to even hope that we can be just friends for this lifetime.

I've to let it out.

I'm trying so hard not to lose faith in scrapping. Maybe I've dived into scrapbooking too fast too furious. Maybe I feel inadequate as I've always been an overachiever. Maybe I feel like an oddball not being a scrapper mum with cute kids to scrap about or good cameras to take beautiful pictures (which make all the difference in the scrapping world). Maybe I don't feel comfortable having staff who do not seem to like me even though patronize the store week in week out. Maybe I'm too demanding, not only as a scrapper but as a person on the whole. (I'm a willing party who welcomes feedback so if you seriously have some issues with me, please say it right to my face. I can take anything given that I've a more screwed-up life when I was younger than anyone I've met.) Maybe I'm taking my hobby too seriously. Maybe I am not proactive enough in making small talk and getting people to like me. Maybe I just don't belong to the local scrapping community here. I've been putting up with releasing the pent-up feelings for the longest time. The only one who will never fail me is God and I pray that he can give me the strength to go through the disappointment and to embrace this fallen world with sinners. I also pray that as a sinner, I'll be forgiven and have the generosity to forgive those who are against me. Sorry for ranting. I can't possibly be cheerful 24/7 but I do get over things pretty fast with God's help.

This boy is beyond hope

When I looked at you and saw how you ruined your own life along with ours, I couldn't bring myself to forgive you. "Lord, forgive my debts as I've forgiven my debtors" I say this everyday and yet I find it so difficult to execute upon you. It's not the first time you got the family into trouble with your debts, I've no idea how to forgive you. I really have no idea.

Without sadness, happiness will not be in existence..

This strikes a chord to what I'm feeling now.. Without the rejection from my so-called good friends who didn't want to support in the competition, how would I be so grateful and appreciative of those few loved ones who turned up for my swimsuit competition! Gee, Thanks a million Churn Yee, Fabian, Defu, my beloved SISTERS, and especially Rebecca!! I know you guys are broke but still turned up to support me. I'm really thankful I didn't sell the least tickets. LOL I know some of my friends are pissed with me for not telling them about my participation in this competition. But I really worry about having to deal with my friends' obligation to fork out money for the tickets or the voting.. Sorry guys if you're not the first few to know but I dunno how to bring this up. It's difficult, really difficult to obligate friends to fork out money to buy tickets for my pageant as they are really exorbitant. Maybe I did the wrong thing by not publicizing. but I just can't bear to take rejection, especially after a friend I regarded as very close refused to buy my tickets for the finals rejected me even after my persuasion. (and thus came the previous angry post) Our friendship of years cannot even match up to sacrificing one day of your studying time to support me.. Well I'll get over this sadness.

REJECTION

I've this hateful relationship with rejection. Because rejection and acceptance co-exist. I rather forgo acceptance in order not to face rejection. Hope I'm making sense here. What I mean is that I have closure problems. I can never warm up fast with friends and worst of all, I've problems forging a close relationship with them. Cos I fear REJECTION. This strikes a fear in me everytime I feel like I'm getting too comfortable with a friend. Arrgh. It sounds ridiculous why I don't like being close to people. Till you try imagining yourself in my shoes... When I was in Sec1, I was ostracized by my whole group of friends as I liked a guy whom one of the 'leaders' was interested in. It had never seemed fair to me as I had been his admirer since Pri 4 and they knew him just for a couple of months. Thus, with my lousy persuasive power and stubbornness to void my devotion towards him then, I was kicked out of the group in no time. When School reopened, I wanted to get over the boy and salvage the group of girlfriends. Only to be slapped by a stack of 'break-up' letters from every single one of them (yes everyone wrote me a 7-8 pages long of break-up letters which are still kept by me) , including those who wasn't directly involved. That hurt a hell lot. I'll never forget that first day of school in July. The feeling of an unwanted child was too overwhelming for my heart to take. Life had to go on. And inevitably, I soon felt the impact of being ostracized. During the painful period of trying to stay sane all by myself (eating alone, traveling to school and back alone, reading in class during recess to feel less lonely alone) , we had to get into groups to do projects. I was always the only one in class without a group. Even the unpopular girls had formed a cliche of their own. My teacher would just allocate me to whichever group which needed leftovers. I'm the leftover. The feeling of being an outcast had never been more real. The first few times I was outcasted, I just ran out of the classroom crying.. Believe that I'm crying as I pen this down.. My world came crashing down because I lost practically all my friends overnight. Whatever self-esteem left of me was crushed to ashes. That truly was the greatest defeat in my then 13 years of living.. I can't really say I've recovered till date. It has and is still haunting me from time to time. Two weeks ago, I had to form groups for projects. I was supposed to be with the acquaintances I knew through common friends but they left me out. Darn.. That feeling came back to haunt me. I sat right there, not moving an inch, refusing to look for people to form groups. I'm just not thick-skinned enough to approach people. Seriously, It was all my doing. I deserved to end up being the only one without a group. Then the lecturer asked, "Who doesn't have a group?" To my wits' end, I gotta draw attention to myself and said "me" "Do you have anyone you know in class?" "Yes, but it's fine. I'll go with any group who is short of people" Yes. It's dejavu. I ended up sobbing in the lavatory. My friend told me I'm the saddest girl on Earth cos I can't get out of my past. But with a past which scarred your self-esteem and reduced your pride to practically nothing, I've already tried to be the best that I can. And I'm still trying.. Let me set the general mood of this blog. I'm a past-tense girl. So just bear with my past stories because they alleviate the pent-up emotions of grievances in me. My wounds are still fresh and hurtful, though they're covered up with a cheerful front on most days. If this is not catharsis, I don't know what is.