Monday, September 29, 2008

B for BUSY, S for STRESSED and F for FATIGUE

The term break has been nothing but short. I'm so busy, stressed and close to dying of extreme fatigue. I don't even remember what I did today, having only slept for an hour last night. Help!!! Term papers deadline, midterm tests, upcoming PSLE and the Children's day party are killing me! I think I'm not gonna survive this year's Children's Day Party. I've never been good at organizing, judging from how messed up my life has been. Arrgh!! Now where should I get the props and games set for a pirates theme party? This must be my worst year ever.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

A heavy- hearted post on marriage

What exactly constitutes a good marriage? To start off from the same note, I'd like to think that everyone has the same idea of what marriage is about and assume that every man and woman who has undergone the marriage vows and say 'I do' works towards a perfect, if not good marriage from Day One. I may have never been married before but witnessing a good marriage and the other extreme really opens up my world about what marriage is all about. I've always been the idealist when it comes to marriage. (Read: before the age of 15). Like every self-respecting little girl who dreams of a fairytale ending, I was no exception to the notion of having a Prince Charming in a white horse sweep me off my feet, or anything else close. However, we had all fallen prey to Walt Disney's rosy pack of lies whereby he gave every fairytale story a "Happily ever after" ending. Is there any wonder why I now prefer watching the ugly Shrek and Fiona with all the nasty princesses and princes? I swear I've been so totally bought over by Disney when I was younger that I got the shock of my 15-years-old life when I saw unfaithful relative. It's akin to a tight reality slap on my delicate ignorant face. That fateful day dated back to when I was still a waitress at a cafe at Marina Square. I was late as usual and rushing to work when the inconceivable if not unfathomable sight stopped me in my tracks. Initially, I was pleasantly surprised by my uncle who's my aunt's husband until I saw an unfamiliar silhouette clinging next to him. It wasn't my aunt. He was holding her thick waist and they were behaving like an intimate couple. Fat waist. Check. Rolly-polly face. Check. Way shorter than my aunt. Check! I was stunned beyond words. As a person who is always ready to give anyone the benefit of doubt, I thought that he might be my uncle's twin brother though I didn't recall seeing any at their wedding. A call to my aunt would clarify all my doubts, I thought. The point of realization came when my repeated calls didn't reach her as she was out of the country. That fat ass was and may still is my jackass uncle's 'other woman'. I rubbed my eyes in disbelief and followed them for a distance. He feigned ignorance of my presence and I clearly made him real uncomfortable. He took a quick exit and pretended nothing ever happened even after being confronted by my parents. It didn't help that my mum confirmed what I've seen by telling me they've been suspecting about his extramarital affairs for the longest time. It suddenly dawned on me why my aunt would sometimes pop by to stay for the night at my place or have mysterious blue-blacks on her forehead (kudos to self-mutilation). For the rest of that day, I was so upset that I cut myself accidentally while making sandwiches, giving the wrong change and even scalding myself in the next few days. Not to mention that I was constantly in tears, thinking of how my poor aunt could deal with this breach of faith. Isn't marriage about having faith? I had so much hope in marriage as I grew up in a family with parents who are committed to each other and to their kids. My parents led by example what I called 'good marriage'. Even though they aren't the lovey-dovey couples who openly display public affection, I know their love is deep-run with respect, care and commitment. When my mum was on the road to recovery after an operation, my dad did something that really touched my heart and convinced me how much he loved her. It was a rainstorm one night but my dad insisted on going out to get some porridge for my mum as he was worried she could not swallow solid food including noodles. Just a simple gesture like this made me the happiest daughter that night because I was quite comforted that I came to this world for the right reasons. I'm the love child of a committed couple, not made out of couples who did not stay together just for kids without any love. At 15 years of age, I became disillusioned by marriage and the promises of "happily ever after" that was supposed to follow. What I experienced was too much for me to take. I was of course eventually disillusioned with love too, thanks to another bastard in my life which I would one day have the courage to blog about. So why am I bringing up an 8-years-ago-incident that's worth forgetting? Fast forward to tonight, that same uncle hurt my aunt again (many times in between as well) by saying he no longer has any feelings of love for her. Does this heartless man even know what love means? Maybe not many of us know. The love we all know is the butterfly feeling in our stomaches when you just fall in love and the rest is hard work, no? Not many of us know that there are so many kinds of love (which I learnt in psychology) There's the erotic or passionate love which many of us know, being attracted to someone and being madly in love in the initial stage. Many of us wish that this love will last forever but it doesn't. How can feelings of lust last a lifetime? Love doesn't disappear, love is like energy. It can't be destroyed, it can and should change to other forms in other stages of the life. When you grow old with your husband or wife, that's called companionship love. No butterflies in the stomach but comfortable with each other, knowing each others' likes and dislikes and being there for each other all the time. That for me, is the greatest kind of love because it had gone from erotic, passionate and eventually to the last stage where a couple can stay together till death parts them. I'm convinced my bastard uncle only knows the erotic love, and sadly this love can never get him far. A man who is attracted by women every now and then only yearns for a short term kind of love, I am even protesting that I should use the word 'lust' instead of 'love'. Never mind that. A man who is not committed to his marriage which is for life will say things like ' I have no feelings for you anymore.' I swore I heard this only when I was in high school. Is there any wonder why the poor kids of this heartless man never get to see Daddy every day cos he comes home after midnight and sleeps in till noon and gets out of the house before they come back from school? What never cease to amaze me more is that a commitment-phobic man can marry thrice, have four kids but has never read any books or feed his kids at dinnertime. He can continue to amaze me but my heart goes all out to the battered wife and the innocent kids. I'm at a loss of what to do and I've no idea how much heartache she is going through right now.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Fucking pissed

What's the world coming to? Now you see girls kissing girls and if you are uncomfortable, people say you're old-fashioned. Hello? Imagine you are a parent and one day, your daughter brings a girl home and says she wants to marry her. WTF. Any self-respecting parent, no matter how open-minded, will never warm up to the idea of having his/her daughter in bed with the daughter of another ill fated parent. Don't come and bullshit to me that it's a social trend. Can I say that terrorist attacks are trendy? I'll be in jail if I do. It's just mere stupidity to even follow trends blindly if it involves breaking your poor parents' hearts. They brought you up, hoping to make a decent girl out of you and what is the worst you can do? Tell her you want to make love to another girl. Yeah this is how filial you are to your helpless parents. Love is always sacrificing. If you truly love your parents, you will not mind even sacrificing that perverted sexual orientation of yours. Sigh. You really have no idea how pissed I was and still am today. Tomorrow is my cognition test and it's so freaking hard, instead of mugging my heads off, I gotta deal with a disoriented mum and an even more disoriented being. To this very disoriented being, these are the kindest words I have for you. I cracked my brains on these instead of my cognition test for you so please appreciate. Your demeanor towards us irritates me, no less your parents. You make us feel like incorrigible baddies who only wanted to bring you to this world to suffer. How vile can we be, darling? But all we want to instill in you is to have a heart for your blood. We're your blood and they are not. No one owes you a fucking living OK. At the end of the day, you determine the kind of treatment you get receive from us because we are merely reciprocating your unruly behaviour. You show us you know your limits, we'll give you the respect you want. You show us how much you lack self-control, you jolly well expect us to treat you like a 3-year old kiddo who needs to be supervised all the time. Life isn't a bed of roses here. You don't get to be what you want and do what you like without caring who's affected. If you don't already know the world works like this, welcome to Earth. It's only precisely we're blood that we gave you chance and chance again just to allow you to deepen our disappointment and mistrust in you. Ask yourself how many times you have kept your promises, it's easier compared to the countless times you did not. Statistics do not lie as much as you wish your illusions do. And please, saying you've always been rebellious all your life doesn't give you a good reason to be rebellious for the rest of your life. It only shows how stupid you are for keeping up such a dumb act. Human stupidity is indeed infinite. Lastly, if your life goal is to be a fucking-girls butch, go and start a lesbian school and live there. I'm distraught by the fact that you've a sexual preference deemed normal in your generation but not the society. However, I'm more distraught by the fact that you're causing havoc to the family because going home to find a hysterical mum and equally hysterical siblings is the last thing I can deal with in my hectic life. Yours truly, A conservative

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Humility is the word

I'm so humbled. Humbled by how little I know about the world out there. I really enjoyed long chats with Slave Yap, especially about morality and life etc. The more we discussed, the more enlightened I feel, not to mention the more ignorant I feel. Needless to say, I claimed defeat to being the frog in the well. Let me get over this shock people. He gave me a nice phrase from the bible today. Whoever exalts himself will be humbled And whoever humbles himself will be exalted Matthew 23:12 I've learned something again. And I'm really thankful for all these life lessons.

Friday, September 12, 2008

MES Coronation NIght

Yippee! The pageant is finally over! I'm so over the moon cos I can finally concentrate on my studies and my tuition kids. Their PSLE is coming. Faints. Here are some pictures from the pageant. Goodness I'm getting a hangover from it. It's really fun knowing the girls and rehearsing together. Hee I'm so gonna miss them all! Cheryl, the boss! Carol and I My best buddy in MES! I'll miss my dear Siqi like crazy!!

Friday, September 5, 2008

Another cynical post

I used to love being a kid. Everything about being a kid. You can break a vase and get away with it without paying cos your parents will. You can cry non stop and everyone will come pacifying you with treats and coaxing. You never have to worry about money, politics and whatever shit thing that adults mulled over. I used to have this little thought whenever I was at my low point as a kid. That is, To be an adult REAL fast. Then I can go wherever I like without mummy's consent. Earn my own keep and have the freedom to do whatever I like. This is karma. Fast forward to who I am now. Though I've not even lived for more than half of the average human lifespan, I have long been cynical about life. Time flies like crazy. In a twinkling of an eye, I became an adult with so many responsibilities. Things I don't have to care about as a kid come tumbling into my life, altogether. But I realised something too. I am stronger than I think. To be able to survive really bad phases in my life, trucks of school workload and tight working schedules. When have life become such a hurricane? I lost so much in the process of gaining material things. In exchange for the freedom I have, the keep I earn by myself, I lost the time to sit down and chat with my family, lost the time to catch up with friends over coffee. I forgot about people around me and their lives. Ashamed to say, My life now only revolves around me. This is life. As we grow, we become so conceited about living our own lives. And more than often forget about the people who should matter. Maybe I should start slowing down my pace and give some room for others in my life. Not to people who change and turn their backs on you for whatever inconceivable reasons because all you get is disappointment from them. When your feet hit the tarmac and all that you're racing against is time, you realise that you are your own best friend and worst enemy. Pain is only temporary, glory lasts forever. I must survive.

Monday, September 1, 2008

Without sadness, happiness will not be in existence..

This strikes a chord to what I'm feeling now.. Without the rejection from my so-called good friends who didn't want to support in the competition, how would I be so grateful and appreciative of those few loved ones who turned up for my swimsuit competition! Gee, Thanks a million Churn Yee, Fabian, Defu, my beloved SISTERS, and especially Rebecca!! I know you guys are broke but still turned up to support me. I'm really thankful I didn't sell the least tickets. LOL I know some of my friends are pissed with me for not telling them about my participation in this competition. But I really worry about having to deal with my friends' obligation to fork out money for the tickets or the voting.. Sorry guys if you're not the first few to know but I dunno how to bring this up. It's difficult, really difficult to obligate friends to fork out money to buy tickets for my pageant as they are really exorbitant. Maybe I did the wrong thing by not publicizing. but I just can't bear to take rejection, especially after a friend I regarded as very close refused to buy my tickets for the finals rejected me even after my persuasion. (and thus came the previous angry post) Our friendship of years cannot even match up to sacrificing one day of your studying time to support me.. Well I'll get over this sadness.
I've this hateful relationship with rejection. Because rejection and acceptance co-exist. I rather forgo acceptance in order not to face rejection. Hope I'm making sense here. What I mean is that I have closure problems. I can never warm up fast with friends and worst of all, I've problems forging a close relationship with them. Cos I fear REJECTION. This strikes a fear in me everytime I feel like I'm getting too comfortable with a friend. Arrgh. It sounds ridiculous why I don't like being close to people. Till you try imagining yourself in my shoes... When I was in Sec1, I was ostracized by my whole group of friends as I liked a guy whom one of the 'leaders' was interested in. It had never seemed fair to me as I had been his admirer since Pri 4 and they knew him just for a couple of months. Thus, with my lousy persuasive power and stubbornness to void my devotion towards him then, I was kicked out of the group in no time. When School reopened, I wanted to get over the boy and salvage the group of girlfriends. Only to be slapped by a stack of 'break-up' letters from every single one of them (yes everyone wrote me a 7-8 pages long of break-up letters which are still kept by me) , including those who wasn't directly involved. That hurt a hell lot. I'll never forget that first day of school in July. The feeling of an unwanted child was too overwhelming for my heart to take. Life had to go on. And inevitably, I soon felt the impact of being ostracized. During the painful period of trying to stay sane all by myself (eating alone, traveling to school and back alone, reading in class during recess to feel less lonely alone) , we had to get into groups to do projects. I was always the only one in class without a group. Even the unpopular girls had formed a cliche of their own. My teacher would just allocate me to whichever group which needed leftovers. I'm the leftover. The feeling of being an outcast had never been more real. The first few times I was outcasted, I just ran out of the classroom crying.. Believe that I'm crying as I pen this down.. My world came crashing down because I lost practically all my friends overnight. Whatever self-esteem left of me was crushed to ashes. That truly was the greatest defeat in my then 13 years of living.. I can't really say I've recovered till date. It has and is still haunting me from time to time. Two weeks ago, I had to form groups for projects. I was supposed to be with the acquaintances I knew through common friends but they left me out. Darn.. That feeling came back to haunt me. I sat right there, not moving an inch, refusing to look for people to form groups. I'm just not thick-skinned enough to approach people. Seriously, It was all my doing. I deserved to end up being the only one without a group. Then the lecturer asked, "Who doesn't have a group?" To my wits' end, I gotta draw attention to myself and said "me" "Do you have anyone you know in class?" "Yes, but it's fine. I'll go with any group who is short of people" Yes. It's dejavu. I ended up sobbing in the lavatory. My friend told me I'm the saddest girl on Earth cos I can't get out of my past. But with a past which scarred your self-esteem and reduced your pride to practically nothing, I've already tried to be the best that I can. And I'm still trying.. Let me set the general mood of this blog. I'm a past-tense girl. So just bear with my past stories because they alleviate the pent-up emotions of grievances in me. My wounds are still fresh and hurtful, though they're covered up with a cheerful front on most days. If this is not catharsis, I don't know what is.