Monday, September 1, 2008

Without sadness, happiness will not be in existence..

This strikes a chord to what I'm feeling now.. Without the rejection from my so-called good friends who didn't want to support in the competition, how would I be so grateful and appreciative of those few loved ones who turned up for my swimsuit competition! Gee, Thanks a million Churn Yee, Fabian, Defu, my beloved SISTERS, and especially Rebecca!! I know you guys are broke but still turned up to support me. I'm really thankful I didn't sell the least tickets. LOL I know some of my friends are pissed with me for not telling them about my participation in this competition. But I really worry about having to deal with my friends' obligation to fork out money for the tickets or the voting.. Sorry guys if you're not the first few to know but I dunno how to bring this up. It's difficult, really difficult to obligate friends to fork out money to buy tickets for my pageant as they are really exorbitant. Maybe I did the wrong thing by not publicizing. but I just can't bear to take rejection, especially after a friend I regarded as very close refused to buy my tickets for the finals rejected me even after my persuasion. (and thus came the previous angry post) Our friendship of years cannot even match up to sacrificing one day of your studying time to support me.. Well I'll get over this sadness.
REJECTION
I've this hateful relationship with rejection. Because rejection and acceptance co-exist. I rather forgo acceptance in order not to face rejection. Hope I'm making sense here. What I mean is that I have closure problems. I can never warm up fast with friends and worst of all, I've problems forging a close relationship with them. Cos I fear REJECTION. This strikes a fear in me everytime I feel like I'm getting too comfortable with a friend. Arrgh. It sounds ridiculous why I don't like being close to people. Till you try imagining yourself in my shoes... When I was in Sec1, I was ostracized by my whole group of friends as I liked a guy whom one of the 'leaders' was interested in. It had never seemed fair to me as I had been his admirer since Pri 4 and they knew him just for a couple of months. Thus, with my lousy persuasive power and stubbornness to void my devotion towards him then, I was kicked out of the group in no time. When School reopened, I wanted to get over the boy and salvage the group of girlfriends. Only to be slapped by a stack of 'break-up' letters from every single one of them (yes everyone wrote me a 7-8 pages long of break-up letters which are still kept by me) , including those who wasn't directly involved. That hurt a hell lot. I'll never forget that first day of school in July. The feeling of an unwanted child was too overwhelming for my heart to take. Life had to go on. And inevitably, I soon felt the impact of being ostracized. During the painful period of trying to stay sane all by myself (eating alone, traveling to school and back alone, reading in class during recess to feel less lonely alone) , we had to get into groups to do projects. I was always the only one in class without a group. Even the unpopular girls had formed a cliche of their own. My teacher would just allocate me to whichever group which needed leftovers. I'm the leftover. The feeling of being an outcast had never been more real. The first few times I was outcasted, I just ran out of the classroom crying.. Believe that I'm crying as I pen this down.. My world came crashing down because I lost practically all my friends overnight. Whatever self-esteem left of me was crushed to ashes. That truly was the greatest defeat in my then 13 years of living.. I can't really say I've recovered till date. It has and is still haunting me from time to time. Two weeks ago, I had to form groups for projects. I was supposed to be with the acquaintances I knew through common friends but they left me out. Darn.. That feeling came back to haunt me. I sat right there, not moving an inch, refusing to look for people to form groups. I'm just not thick-skinned enough to approach people. Seriously, It was all my doing. I deserved to end up being the only one without a group. Then the lecturer asked, "Who doesn't have a group?" To my wits' end, I gotta draw attention to myself and said "me" "Do you have anyone you know in class?" "Yes, but it's fine. I'll go with any group who is short of people" Yes. It's dejavu. I ended up sobbing in the lavatory. My friend told me I'm the saddest girl on Earth cos I can't get out of my past. But with a past which scarred your self-esteem and reduced your pride to practically nothing, I've already tried to be the best that I can. And I'm still trying.. Let me set the general mood of this blog. I'm a past-tense girl. So just bear with my past stories because they alleviate the pent-up emotions of grievances in me. My wounds are still fresh and hurtful, though they're covered up with a cheerful front on most days. If this is not catharsis, I don't know what is.

6 comments:

.Celeste said...

i couldn't control and decided to leave you a comment. something like this happened to me when i'm in P5 - P6. I became enemy with the whole class because of a girl. in the end the girl betrayed me and left me alone being outcasted. Going to school everyday being bullied by the whole class and even people from other class whose now involved "join in the fun". Luckily i have a few who actually stood by me. going to school everyday is like fighting a war. and you really don't know whether now that this friend in front of you..can you trust again.

wuling said...

yups. that's what I've faced most of the time in sec sch. So I grew up being very cynical about friendship.
Thanks for your comment!
At least now I know I'm not alone in this. =)

.Celeste said...

it's better to depend on our own then to depend on someone esle.

wuling said...

haha yes. we're in the same boat. No wonder Defu says we're so alike! LOL

Shi Ying said...

You're not alone lar. I can totally understand how you feel because the same thing happened to me during sec 1 and sec 2. I was the "left-over" too often with the whole class starring at me. Can never forget the feeling. It sucked real bad. Then in P6 my best friends decided to turn their backs on me over the stupidest reasons on earth. I started being the left over since then, till sec 2.
Better to depend on yourself than on others.

wuling said...

Hey Shi Ying!
Never know you'll read my blog and even post a comment! That's so encouraging.
I guess people like you who had been through it all know exactly how I felt then and even know.
Sad to say, others around us always have no idea why we view friendships in such a cynical way but at the end of the day, those who've overcome this dreadful ordeal of being an outcast will understand best. Cheers to us cynical beings! lol