Monday, August 25, 2008
this sad and angry feeling
As much as I hate to say this, I think I'm not a very likeable person. My insecurities about friendships being superficial came true. Maybe it's not a causal effect, I guess I've a main part in it. I've so many tickets to sell for the upcoming competition but none of my so-called closer friends is coming. Now I know crying doesn't help. I guess I really have a damn screwed-up life. So many people come and go in my life. Most of the time they leave in a drama. Is it because I never bothered clearing up misunderstandings which led to the eventual break down of friendships? Or is there something really wrong with my character? I've this friend who had been really great. Especially in helping me deal with a break up at the lowest point of my life. But he became a compulsive borrower and worst of all, he used my name to go around borrowing from friends. The final straw came when he told me his mum's dead and out of sympathy and true concern, I went round collecting baijin for him. Just to realise that it's all a lie. Because of this, I guess I lost a good girlfriend whom I used to hang out a lot with. I dunno if it's because of this misunderstanding over the compulsive borrower but that's the last time we ever kept in contact (being unhappy over the lie) Then there's this guy who claimed to love me but went round backstabbing me to all our friends/acquaintances when I rejected him. Looking like the poor victim, he managed to give me a really bad name, saying that I played him out and so on. I really had enough of it and I was so so so glad when he got a girlfriend and finally stopped pestering me, but the backstabbing has not stopped till date. (I heard) To the stupid audience who only hear his one-sided story, HEAR MINE! He bloody tried to rape me in more than one occasion. And did so many despicable things that you people will never ever know. He was so afraid I'll tell his current girlfriend that he denied ever trying to rape me. THANK GOD I'M NOT RAPED BY YOU. I CAN MAKE YOU SUFFER IN JAIL IF I WANT TO. AND I CAN CALL YOUR GIRLFRIEND AND TELL HER WHAT YOU DID TO ME, JUST LIKE WHAT YOU DID TO MY EX-BF YEARS AGO. I CAN BACKSTAB YOU JUST LIKE HOW YOU DID TO ME ALL THIS WHILE. I CAN THREATEN YOU JUST LIKE HOW YOU DID TO ME BEFORE. BUT IT WILL MEAN WASTING MY WHOLE LIFE GETTING ENTANGLED WITH A JERK LIKE YOU. IT'S FUCKING NOT WORTH IT BECAUSE MY LIFE IS MORE PRECIOUS THAN YOU, LIAR. I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WANT TO SAVE YOUR FACE BY LYING TO EVERYONE THAT YOU QUIT THE AIR FORCE. BUT I CAN NEVER UNDERSTAND HOW DUMB YOUR FRIENDS CAN BELIEVE YOU THAT QUITTING THE AIR FORCE IS EASY WITHOUT PAYING THOUSANDS OF DEBT TO BREAK THE CONTRACT. I REALLY HAVE NO IDEA HOW DUMB PEOPLE CAN GET. NOW I KNOW WHY I NEVER WASTED ANY EFFORT TO TRY TO EXPLAIN FOR MYSELF TO YOUR DUMB FRIENDS. PLEASE TOTALLY GET OUT OF MY LIFE YOU DOUBLE-FACED LYING JERK. Such a despicable, spiteful and conniving rat and yet I'm SACRIFICED to fit the story of a heartless and cold bitch who played him out, made a damn-devoted-poor-guy-who-waited-for-me-since-sec1 out of him! Sadly, the Satan triumphed. I was relegated to the bottom of hell by many people whom I thought were my friends. See how superficial friendships can get. Down in the ruts. Can I be this unlucky all my life? To meet a flirt who robbed me of my dignity and made all my sacrifices for him worthless. To meet a close friend-turned-compulsive-borrower and made me like a stupid loan-guarantor for our common friends To meet a conniving jerk. I've endless to say about his character so it'll take forever to analyze this aspiring rapist. If there's a past life, I must have been really evil to meet so many people out to make me suffer in this life If there's a God, he must have been really stringent in testing my tenacity. If there's Satan, I'm sure he comes in the form of all these people. At the end of the day, I can only blame myself for not making the right choice when making friends. And prior to this, I have turned into this distant and cold girl who's afraid to make a really close friendships out of people around me. I'm sorry if as my friend, you never feel treasured. Cos in my life so far, I never had a friend who really treasured me.